the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
