the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
