Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
