just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
