I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
