epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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