tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
