Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
