fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
