actually, I'm a sock model
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
