what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
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So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
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It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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