He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
