I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
