Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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