nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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