My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
