How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
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Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
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well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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