Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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