like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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