just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
