guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
