So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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