none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
