I faked an abortion last night.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
