I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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