Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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