I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
