i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
