I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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