how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
