He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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