are you still at the devil's house?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
