She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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