i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
