seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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