I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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