I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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