I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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