I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
