people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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