I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
