I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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