Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
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