I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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