At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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