Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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