wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
