just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
