Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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