By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
