Tell her she can't have a vagina
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
did i just pee glitter
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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