My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
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Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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