We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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