oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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